mike-thenoseknows-zakarius:

1. Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Erwin Smith is called Logic.
2. Erwin Smith has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.
3. Erwin Smith died 20 years ago. Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
4. Some magicians can walk on water. Erwin Smith can swim through land.
5. Erwin Smith can cut through a hot knife with butter.
6. Death once had a near-Erwin Smith experience.
7. Erwin Smith once got bit by a rattlesnake. After three days of pain and agony, the rattlesnake died.
8. When Erwin Smith does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
9. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Erwin Smith allows to live.
10. Erwin Smith wears sunglasses to protect the sun from his intense gaze.
11. Erwin Smith doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
12. Erwin Smith doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
13. Erwin Smith does not sleep. He waits.
14. Erwin Smith destroyed the periodic table because Erwin Smith only recognizes the element of surprise.
15. Erwin Smith played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
16. The only thing written on Erwin Smith’s passport is “It’s me.”
17. We don’t have a military, we have Erwin Smith.
18. Erwin Smith doesn’t have to bathe. Dirt won’t dare go near him.
19. When Erwin Smith falls, the ground moves out of his way.
20. Matches are warned not to play with Erwin Smith.
21. Erwin Smith cannot fly, but he does it anyway.